Too Afraid To Love You
by libellus
Summary: Remus Lupin was too afraid to love her, to afraid that he might unwillingly pass on his cure, too afraid that he might lose control. Oneshot, based on the song 'Too Afraid To Love You' by the Black Keys. RL/NT


**Too Afraid To Love You**

A/N: I don't own anything and this was something that I just thought up, not my greatest work.

_My gears they grind_

_More each day_

Remus knew, he was getting older, his condition making him feel older than the 36 years he was. But no, it wasn't just physical, it was mental too. He was suffering. Not just by the treatment that he receives from Fenrir Greyback's pack every month around the full moon. It was also that he had a pink-haired, constantly sunny auror chasing after him, asking why he does not return her feelings. It was beginning to wear him down too much, the constant asking while the wolf inside him told him to go for her, make her his mate. It was beginning to become unbearable.

_And I feel like_

_They're gonna grind away_

It was the constant struggle of getting up that was starting to become unsettling, the mornings were terrible with various aches and sores shooting bolts of pain up and down his spine, making him feel weak. Tonks was still cornering him and asking how and why he did not return his feelings and to be honest, his excuses were getting weaker and weaker with every passing day. The strain that his body is placed under is unbelievable. Constant mental attacks from Greyback and also Snape, who thought his pain was something that was completely funny to him, bombarded pictures to him of things that he had never wanted to see.

_And the city blocks  
><em> 

_They drive me wild_

Remus' job for the order was to hunt down the various werewolf packs that ran across England and not surprisingly, there were werewolves who ran in the sewers of London. It meant that he spent long and cold nights in the middle of the London, trying to convince the wolves that if they joined the order they would be rewarded, but if they joined Voldemort they would still be treated like dirt. It was tough as the wolves had no idea exactly who he was and that he went to Hogwarts, knowing that some other werewolves knew and that they often tried to beat him and kill him. The cold landscape of London was driving him made, wild actually, the never ending buildings and grey, gloomy sky. The wolf, when seeing Tonks went wild inside of him at the scent of her perfume, was also trying to break through the carefully built barriers it was behind.

_They're never ending_

_Mile after mile_

It was a never ending circle for Remus, wake up, make cup of tea, shower, breakfast, order work, lunch, order work, dinner, fight with Tonks, running with one of the packs, getting into a fight, coming back to his measly flat, collapsing on his bed. That was his routine, for basically every day, there was very rarely any change. The nights were spent running in the maze of sewers would wear him down, his patience and temper very short. He was not psychically healthy, not even close to it but he continued the routine because then he would be letting Voldemort have the wolves and let down the memories of James, Lily and Sirius.

_I just don't know what to do_

_I'm too afraid to love you_

Deep in his mind, Remus knew that he wanted someone to share his pity of a life with. But he was torn, between being greedy and letting people get through their life without him as a burden. He was not sure what to do for once in his life. He was often full of quiet confidence, but now he simply did not know what to do. He was afraid to love Tonks, he would become too comfortable, too sure of himself and then he would hurt her. Giving her a fate worse than death. He was afraid to welcome her into his complicated life, too afraid to become comfortable around her, too afraid to become fond of her. He was afraid to love her and it was as simple as that.

_It's heaven on earth _

_In her embrace_

But oh, those nights they shared during their early days. The times when she would find him grieving over Sirius and they would lay together, holding each other and remembering the man who Sirius was. They sometimes shared sweet, but shy kisses but most of the time they would sit and take comfort in her eyes. He would never, ever admit it to anyone, but when he slept in her embrace the dreams that plagued him so would disappear leaving the only the thought of Nymphadora in his mind. He would not be bothered in her embrace because as one night, late when the waning moon was high, he knew that heaven on earth would always be in his arms.

_Her gentle touch _

_And her smiling face_

He loved it when she flashed him the cheeky but oh so beautiful smile. And when they sat up together her gentle words and soft touch, were the best thing in the whole world. Her smile would bring the whole room to light and bright up the dark days they now lived in. Nymphadora was like a pain-killer, a relief that helped him forget his life and the daily troubles that he faced, that everybody faced. Her touch would drive the wolf inside mad, making him pace, and beg to have control of Remus' body. And that was what Remus was afraid of. That the wolf would come and take over, make him wild and unstable. And if he let that happen she would get hurt. And he knew that without a doubt.

_I'm just one wishing _

_That I was a pair_

But he knew after one particular night where they had stayed together for all night and most of the day that he could not have her. He could not have her infectious laugh, her beautiful smile, her beautiful pink hair. He was merely a lonely werewolf who had been damned to be alone since he was the measly age of four. But oh, how he wished, that he could have a wife, a friend, a companion, a lover… but he knew he couldn't have that. He still dreamed though that the woman would be quirky, intelligent, witty and beautiful with green eyes and pink hair…

_With someone _

_Oh somewhere_

He wished that he had a special someone to take to his childhood home in Cornwall, to tell her about how he grew up with the wolf constantly shadowing him. He wanted to raise children and watch them grow up in his house, spoil them, yet teach them about the simpler things in life. But alas, he could not have children, he could not pass on his condition onto an innocent child, someone with a full and long life ahead of them. He wanted to share his life with someone, sure Remus had friends, but they weren't the people he would tell his deepest and most closed secrets to.

_All those sleepless nights _

_And all those wasted days_

Sometimes, Remus would get so deep in those thoughts that he would simply sit in a chair and think about what he wanted, what was so far out of his reach. He would spend all night in thought, and then continue to spend all day in his thoughts, his dreams and his hopes that would never, ever be fulfilled. He would sometimes let his thoughts wander to Nymphadora, thinking if she would be a good wife and mother, sure her clumsiness may be a small hurdle, but her love would make up for it in great waves. He could see her learning to cook and become better at it, a warm meal for when he came home from a job he would never have.

_I wish loneliness would leave me _

_But I think he's here to stay_

During those times he would think, he would be sitting in the lonely house that could not be described as a house, but rather a shack. He would sit there, not answering the owls he received and listening silently to the noise of loneliness that surrounded him. But he wished it would leave, he wished it would all be gone and be replaced by tinkling laughter and the patter of little feet on the hard floors. But the more he thought about, the more reality hit him and he knew that no matter where he went, the loneliness that he loathed would always follow.

_What more can I do _

_I'm wringing myself dry_

He would think, what could he do that could make him have a beautiful wife and children who had her talent. He had known since the age of nine that there was no cure for lycanthropy and that unless there was some kind of miracle from heaven above that a potion would be made one day to chase away the wolf that had taken up home in his mind. Wolfsbane controlled it, when he had access to it, he had tried many various remedies and had been around the world with his parents and met many healers who believed that they could banish the wolf. To be completely honest, Remus was at the end of his rope. He held no belief anymore that someone would turn up to his doorstep and tell him that they had a cure. And for as long as there was no cure, Nymphadora would have to stay far away from him.

_And I can't afford to lose _

_One more teardrop from my eye _

Remus knew that he would have to move on from Nymphadora. He would have to forget about her and move on in his life, maybe go to another country where he could settle down and live in a cottage in the woods, like the one in muggle fairytales. He would have to stop those nights where he cried himself to sleep with the thought of being the last true marauder in his head. He would not cry over the losses he suffered. He would learn to move on as he has done for most of his life. Remus would not waste another thought on those who cared about him, who pitied him because of who he was. No, Remus would become strong and learn to move on.

_All because he was too afraid to love_

Hahaha, just an oneshot that I thought up while listening to the song by the black keys! On your way out don't forget to leave a review!


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